The Good Things of Motherhood

Mommas! Oh this post. I can already tell it's going to be a disaster. Such an internal dilemma I'm having. But here we are and I'm writing and posting it. Free speech! I'm American. I can say what I want.

But she's not even a mom yet. She doesn't know.

I know.

I've wanted to be a mom my entire life. Blame my religion, society, my own mother, but that was my ultimate goal. Babies. And lots of them.

Well, not too long ago, I got married. Yay! First step. Check. (And lest you think I married Bryson just for his ability to make me a mother, I assure you that that was not the case. Just an added bonus.) But I think we'd been home from our honeymoon about 3 hours before I brought up kids. Maybe it was 3 hours after we got married? I forget. Take a guess on how he responded to that. You mean you don't want to become a husband and a future father all in one day?!?!?! He didn't. He's weird. I know. But whatever.

So alas, I had to suffer through church surrounded by all these adorable children. (First time being in a family ward in 3 ish years.) I was like a kid in a candy store; constantly pointing out cute kids to Bryson who would just roll his eyes and try to focus on the speaker. I quickly discovered that I should silently admire. And this is where I began mom watching.

I saw these women with their diaper bags and three kids and was completely in awe. They had the life! I wanted a diaper bag! I wanted those cute little blankets to keep me warm during Sacrament meeting! I wanted to cuddle a baby for an entire hour! Man, they had the life.

And then we went to Sunday School. We sat in front of this cute mom with an adorable baby girl on her lap. Another woman commented on how beautiful her baby was. She responded, "Yeah, well, we wanted a boy but this is what we got." This is what we got? 

I wonder if the woman who complimented her was a mother. I wonder if she, like me, wanted to be a mother at that moment more than anything in the world. I wonder if she suffered from infertility and was told she would never be a mother in this life.

Then I went to Relief Society and I quickly learned that this was a place to vent about your kids. I left church feeling very sad and confused.

I thought it must be a fluke.

Another day, I was talking to a mom in my neighborhood about kids. She had waited several years before having kids and said it was the best thing they could have done. She encouraged me to do the same. "Just make sure you're really ready before you start having them."

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I started noticing Facebook posts of young moms. Maybe they were trying to be funny. Maybe they were looking for likes. Maybe they were looking for sympathy. I don't know the motives. But I read things that made me feel embarrassed and sad for their young kids. Some of these moms I am very close to and admire in so many ways.

I began to think I was missing something. This motherhood thing must really be terrible. It must be a lot harder than I think. It must not be fulfilling and rewarding.

Well, in the midst of feeling terrible about all of this, the daughter of my Beehive advisor (yes, from 10 years ago) busted her leg and had to have surgery, rods, wheelchair, the whole thing. She posted updates throughout this hard time but they were very different from the trends I'd been seeing lately. Whether the daughter was progressing or not, she always put the situation in a positive light. It was an adventure and they were going to make the best of it! Heck, once she posted about how happy she was they made size 5 diapers to fit her little girl who had probably been potty trained for several years. Who are these people?!

Disclaimer: I am not this kind of person. I want to be. I wish I could've been the person who through those first few months of pregnancy had the attitude of, "Yeah, I threw up 5 times today before breakfast. At least it wasn't 6!" But I don't think this trait comes naturally to any of us. If it does come naturally to you, what kind of water are you drinking?! I need some.

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Anyway, yes! It's hard! But it's good. It's so so good.

So all you moms out there. Can we all work on this together? Can we please stop focusing on the negative and enjoy the positive aspects of motherhood? Can we get to the end of the day and think on the two (or hopefully 10) good things that our kid did today and forget the bad? Can we encourage the new moms and the expecting moms and the want-to-be moms? Because holy cow we can find all the negative things to expect when we are expecting from Google on our own.

can't find a source on this. if you know it, let me know!

Tell us about how you felt the first time your kid said "I love you" or how they snuggle in your neck when they're tired. Tell us about their favorite bedtime stories and the pride on their faces when they learn how to do a somersault. Tell us about the excitement of the first day of school or the discovery of a ladybug.

Those are the things I want to hear. And I think those are the things you want to remember.

The Body Issue: Part 5

Remember how I used to do these? We left off with me not making the dance major...again. (Also, in case you missed it...Part 4, Part 3, Part 2, Part 1) Well, after feeling so calm and comforted that I had done everything I could do, I began to doubt. And I had a question:

Now what?!

I talked to the department head. We went over my audition and what the judges had said and basically I had had to reach a certain score and was just below that. I asked what I could work on and she gave me some vague answer. I asked what I could do from here. "Well, you can petition to try out next year. You just need a letter from a teacher giving approval and Rebecca already came and talked to me so you'll have no problems with that." I thanked her for her time and left. Wait, so why didn't I make it? I wasn't given a straight answer. I was already over halfway through the required classes for a dance major and it was starting to get difficult to register for classes because I wasn't an "official" major yet. They'd said no to me twice already, did I want to risk it a third time? I had planned on graduating the semester after tryouts! Was I really so horrible that they couldn't handle having me in the major for another year?! (These are the thoughts that kept me up at night).

Well, I thought long and hard and decided to keep dancing. It wasn't until February that I felt like I was in the wrong place and needed to get out. I looked into other schools. I looked into other majors. Nothing felt right. Nothing felt like what I wanted to do. I wanted to graduate in dance from BYU.

And then it was my roommate's birthday and all she wanted for it was a back massage. Well, I had had a lot of massages and I thought I had a good idea of what felt good and how to do it. She had a massage table from doing eyelash extensions so, what the heck, let's see how good I am. Looking back, I know I was terrible. I know I did the strokes the wrong way and I knew nothing about using body weight. Regardless, she said "You're really good at that. You should go to massage school."

So I went in my room and looked up massage schools. I found a couple and called about tours. First one was a total joke and it's good I had another appointment or I probably would have just dropped the whole idea. I talked with the admissions lady at UCMT and signed up immediately. School started in 2 weeks and I felt excited about my impulsive decision. I was still at BYU full time so I signed up for night school. I would graduate in a year.

My first day I was nervous and excited. I was surrounded by students who were very different from the BYU crowd. The teachers were eccentric and swore. I was completely out of my comfort zone. But these people loved bodies. And they didn't look at them by height or weight or flexibility or strength. They looked at how a shortening in the lower back muscles had caused a lengthening in the abdominal muscles. They looked to see if shoulders were even, and if not, does she carry her purse on her left shoulder? It was scientific, not subjective, and I loved it.

I learned how my body works. I gained a whole new appreciation for being able to bend my finger or feel my heart beat. I caught a glimpse of how complex each system is. I learned to look at my body in terms of function and health, rather than aesthetic.

At UCMT I met my best friend, Tiffany, who also happened to introduce me to my husband. After wondering for months (years) why I hadn't made the major, I realized that if I had made it, I wouldn't have met two of the most important people in my life. I feel like I got the better end of the deal. (I don't feel like this is the only reason why I didn't make the major, or why I was supposed to go to massage school, just the best reason).

A few months in, I dropped out of BYU and switched to massage school full time. Dance was a wonderful and fulfilling part of my life. I learned so much at BYU. But it was a phase. I was never meant to do it professionally, or even for my whole life. Which brings us to Part 6.

30, Flirty, and Thriving...

You know how in 13 Going on 30 13-year-old Jenna just thinks her whole life will fall into place when she's 30? Well, my 13 week self thought the same thing about being 30 weeks. And guess what?

yoga leggings and husband t-shirts=erin's pregnancy style

I WAS RIGHT!

30 weeks is the absolute best.

I feel the best I have since I got pregnant. Really quick let's get the bad things out of the way (because it is pregnancy we are talking about here so there's gotta be at least a couple negatives).

• I'm allergic to being pregnant. For reals. My hands broke out in this awesome itchy red bumpy rash that is super attractive and super not annoying... I thought it was a reaction to a lotion or something, but it didn't go away. Asked my dr. about it on the way out of my appointment last week and he's like, "Oh yeah, that happens all the time. You're just hypersensitive to pregnancy. We don't worry about it unless it breaks out all over your body. Take some Benadryl." So, you know, what I've been saying for the last 7 months is true: MY BODY DOESN'T DO THIS! Also, funny side note, Bryson and I were playing Would You Rather a few weeks ago and I was asked if I would rather have an itch that never goes away or a sneeze that won't ever come? I said the itch. Wish granted! And I actually am very proud of myself for severely limiting my scratching. 
• Shaving my legs is pretty much out of the question these days. Baby does not like to be squished. So maybe minus the "flirty" part of the title of this post.
• My ribs don't seem to know how to do this. My stomach is stretching just fine, my hips don't bother me at all, legs feel great, back is fine. But my ribs? Sheesh. They hurt something fierce.

Yay! That's it! And I can totally handle the not shaving part. So really, only 2 bad things. Now, for the good stuff.

• Only 10 more weeks! 10! That is oh so doable. 
• I'm like this crazy happy person? All those happy hormones finally hit me and I just love them so much.
• It feels close. When you have 30 weeks to go and you're in the middle of puking your guts out, you feel like you will be pregnant for longer than forever. But now... she's 3 pounds and we're like on the last little stretch here. We can do this little baby! That's a super cool feeling.
• Speaking of throwing up, it's been 10 weeks since I have. Victory dances all around.
• I can still pick things up off the floor. I still have one pair of jeans that I can button. I survived my glucose test. It's the little things.
• IT IS FALL! Bryson started school today so it's official. Fall means not 100 degree weather. And also pumpkin things and boots.

So, see what I mean? Happy freaking Monday!

because it's late and the hubs is gone

I made the mistake of watching birth story videos (you know, with happy music and everyone holding the baby for the first time...NOT the ones you watch in your child development class). Anyway, now I'm crying and holy freak I want my baby here RIGHT NOW! But I want her in her six plus poundness, not her current two and a half. Guess she can cook a little longer. But dang, hurry up, November.

I registered (oh the stress!) And if you register at Target you get a little gift bag (the main reason why I registered, actually). And it came with a little bitty baby bottle and little bitty baby diapers and I keep pulling them out and looking at them, they are so wonderful and tiny.

This text happened tonight and it made me so giddy with happiness. "What is my life????" I mean, can you get any more twitterpated than that?

oh how i love that Ashley Benja

Bryson is gone. It's terrible, really. Here's his schedule: 6-wake up, film until lunch; lunch- then drive for five hours to their next destination, film, have dinner, party with the sales guys until midnight, then go to bed. What is this madness? I can't even sit still for five minutes anymore. I would die on that driving-5-plus-hours-every-day trip. But he's a trooper and I can't wait for him to come home! Until then, I will spend my days browsing Sephora and reading, which brings me to...

I have a new obsession with Little House on the Prairie books. I've read the first two in the last 3 days. My mom read them all to me when I was a little girl but I hardly remember anything. Basically I am so glad I wasn't born back then. Or pregnant back then. But I'm loving them. And what has happened to today's youth?! I mean, Laura used a corn cob as a doll for crying out loud.

Found this picture of my mom today. This was when she was my age. Isn't it just fantastic?

I also found a birthday card I had written to her when I was still quite small that said "Sorry I complain so much." Guess it started at a young age...

But oh, life is grand. I'm liking my third trimester? What? Isn't this one supposed to be the worst? But I'm huge and happy about it, which I never thought I would be. But me being huge means she is coming soooon! And I just can't wait. Also, I'm an organization freak now (which is why I am going through all these mementos, my mother is putting my nesting to work!) My hair is the thickest it's ever been in my entire life please don't fall out, please don't fall out, please don't fall out. I can also still touch my toes, which is like wonder of wonder miracle of miracles.

So, all in all, we're happy over here.

On Naming a Babe

You guys. Why is it that in Jr. High one can have a plethora of perfect baby names (in far greater numbers than one wants to have children) and then suddenly you are pregnant and you have NOTHING?! 

*okay, not nothing, it just feels like it

**also, I know we have time, lots of time, to figure out a name, but come on, it would be fun to know beforehand 

So. Naming... And why are girls names so much harder?! Boys are so easy! We had too many boy names picked out (first and middle, mind you) and alas, here we are having a girl. And we agree on like 2 names, but I don't feel like either of us particularly loves any of them?

Rambling. Yesterday I was thinking of our #1 name as of late and every possible scenario she would be in where there is the potential for name awkwardness. For example, telling your name to the person in Gandolfo's who is making your sandwich. Or the first day of school (will it be too long to even fit on the roll? Southworth is prettttty long already and we wouldn't want an awkward half name. But maybe they don't have this problem anymore because everything is probably on the computer anyways? Does anybody know this? Can you ease my mind about giving our child a long name?) Or when she is getting proposed to? _______ will you marry me? Does that sound good? Could she potentially have the same name as her future husband? (We think about these things around here. Kim & Kim are Bryson's parent's names.) What if she starts her own brand? Is her name going to look good on a label? What if she's a lawyer and needs a name that sounds super sophisticated? And will people really think of the anime character every time they meet her? I mean, am I over thinking this?

Help.

Monday Sunnies

• Baby is a kicker! Especially between the hours of 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. Sometimes we watch her move under my skin and it is the coolest/weirdest thing I have ever experienced in my life. Also, my momma got to feel her move for the first time last night and that was pretty cool.
• Tiger Butter caramel apples from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. OHHHHMYYGOSHHH. I can't handle the amazing-ness of it all. And Bryson is on a diet so I got the whole thing to myself. Muahahahaha.
  

  

  i can't look at this picture without wanting one

• In my darkest days of pregnancy, I listened to this song on repeat while lying on the bathroom floor. It kind of became "our song" (the baby's and mine, mine and the baby's?). It got me through some tough times. Well, it came on Pandora the other day and baby girl started dancing up a storm! I like to think that she knows it's our special thing.

• We're down to about 100 days left! Who wants to make a paper chain with me? Every 10 days we'll go get a celebratory apple :)

Monday Sunnies

• 19 weeks! 19 weeks! Next week we get the much anticipated gender reveal ultrasound. It's feeling like Christmas over here. Also, 20 weeks means halfway, which means...it is as big as some obscure vegetable? 
• I had the weirdest dream last night that I could fly. I had to basically run in the air or I'd start falling, which was exhausting (good thing I was sleeping!), but it was seriously cool. 
• I had my first random-person-rubbing-my-belly moment. And what are y'all whining about? I thought it was great. Like now I'm the magic lamp and the baby bump has the power to grant wishes. But only 3. Let's not get overzealous.
• I realized that Sarah Dessen's new book came out and totes had to buy it. But alas, it was $20 in the store and $13 online. So, obvious choice. BUT THEN if I bought $25 worth of books, I could get free shipping! 2 (1 only brought me to $24) more books found their way to my virtual shopping cart. And I ended up spending $33. And now I'm WAITING forever because the reason you buy books from the store is so you can read them immediately. Also, my husband thinks I'm weird. But at least I'm spending my personal money on something worthwhile, Mr. Smelling Salts. (For reals he bought ammonia filled little packets to stick in people's faces as a joke. Hil-ar-i-ous.) We make a good couple, I think.
• Milagros! 
• First snow cone of the season and hallelujah, because I had been craving that stuff for-eva. Bryson was a little excited about the ice cream (yes, hidden ice cream at the bottom of a snow cone, what will they think up next?) and poked a hole through the cup. The sixteen-year-old girl working in the shack laughed at us.
• National Donut Day!

Okay, too much talk about food. I think my work here is done. Happy Monday!